In [insert location], [insert level] football is a way of life. Here at The Film Stage, it’s no different. So in honor of the start of football season (finally!), we have compiled the strongest, most complete team we could put on the silver-screen gridiron. That’s right: The All-Hollywood Football Team. From memorable characters to outstanding talent, the players on our team are the best in the game, and while they may not be able to win a game (we’re looking at you Texas State Armadillos), they’ll be sure to leave you laughing or crying. Take a look at the starting line-up:
Coach– Lt. Colonel Henry Blake (MASH)
What Blake lacked in football prowess, he made up for in cunning gambling strategy. Trying to scrape together a winning team out of a unit full of out-of-shape drunkards, Blake captained a side-splitting bag of tricks, making the football scene from MASH one of the most memorable of all time. Though he had no idea what was going on with anything at any point in the entire Korean War, he managed to unknowingly approve just enough antics to pull together not only the upset, but a satisfying pay day (all while haphazardly putting young men back together on surgery tables). If it’s victory that we want, Henry Blake is our guy at head coach.
Defense– Julius Campbell (Remember the Titans) and Rudy Ruetigger (Rudy)
Campbell was the quintessential aggressive outside linebacker. Compounded with the undeniable heart of Rudy Ruetigger, and you have an immovable defensive combination. Though both characters are based on real people, their most memorable achievements were on the silver-screen. Both men were involved in chill-inducing scenes (i.e. “Left side—Strong side” and “You’re 5 foot nothin’…”) and both made big plays when it mattered. Admittedly, Rudy sat the bench for the entirety of the movie, but it’s his heart that embodies the gladiatorial capacity of football. Likewise, Campbell’s raw physical skill demonstrates a similar warrior-like state. The two complement each other to bring to life a great defense.
Kicker– Nigel ‘The Leg’ Gruff (The Replacements)
Nigel Gruff is talented. But his off-the-field issues would have Roger Goodell kissing Ben Roethlisberger’s feet. Suffering from a longstanding gambling problem that ultimately nearly costs the team the season, Gruff was still able to kick accurately in excess of 50 yards, even beyond 60. With all that said, he is one of the most likeable characters in any sports flick. Wiry and hilarious, Gruff is an amiable addition to our team.
Offensive Line– Manumanu The Slender (Necessary Roughness) and Billy Bob (Varsity Blues)
While offensive linemen tend to be the butt of fat jokes, these two stand out. Manumanu was a well-mannered, respectful bear. Billy Bob was the fat kid who poured his heart and soul into the only thing he knew how to do. It’s possible that Manumanu is the most talented player on this list, so he was an obvious pick for our team. However, Billy Bob was realistically too big for football, and was doomed to desolation in West Canon, Texas. It’s the heart-wrenching scene when he comes to grips with this destiny that helps him make the cut. If you think Varsity Blues is lacking in cinematic quality, follow closely the trials of young William Robert, and you’ll find a genuinely heartbreaking introspection. Also, we’d love to have him stand in the way of a blitz.
Wide Receiver– Clifford Franklin (The Replacements) and Rod Tidwell (Jerry Maguire)
“See to me, the football is like a one man cold. Clifford Franklin the only one catchin’ it. Clifford Franklin the only one comin’ down wit it.” Eat your heart out, Chad Ochocinco. “Show me the money, Jerry!” Terrell Owens Who?
Running Back– Boobie Miles (Friday Night Lights)
Derek Luke gave a stunning performance as he examined what happens when we put boys on pedestals. Too immature for his own extraordinary talent, Boobie Miles dazzled defenses with what he dubbed “God-given” ability. Off the field, a cruel cycle of enabling crippled his capacity for growth. When a career ending injury forces him to look beyond football, he tragically finds the prospects bleak. Friday Night Lights offers a profound character study with Boobie Miles and more importantly a ubiquitous cautionary tale. And for that, Boobie Miles will line up behind the quarterback.
Quarterback– Willie Beamen (Any Given Sunday)
Quarterback is obviously the toughest position from which to choose. Each contender had his flaws; from Paul Blake’s flaky inability to lead to Shane ‘Footsteps’ Falco’s haunting and seemingly career-ending Sugar Bowl performance. It’s easy to find to a pocket passer who overcomes a tragic flaw. What our team needs is a scrambler. An improv player, one who can’t come to grips with his inabilities yet still finds a way to win. That’s why we picked Willie Beamen from one of Oliver Stone’s most watchable movies, Any Given Sunday. Beamen demonstrated how one man can circumvent rather than overcome in order to win, a real human trait. Willie Beamen transposed football into life, and that’s why we need him to call our signals.
Who made your fantasy football team?