Amongst the many reasons that David Fincher directed Zodiac, his painstakingly methodical and precise look into the investigation of the Zodiac killer, was to kill another boogeyman that has haunted his dreams: the genre-setting Se7en featured John Doe, an impossibly depraved and brilliant killer whose genius constantly eluded the detectives out to bring him to justice. The film was an enormous success, spawning any number of over-caffeinated manhunts for the kind of nefarious criminals whose evil could barely be confined by the screens they were projected on. Fincher hoped that Zodiac‘s more truthful depiction of how detective work was done would forever put to rest the ridiculous ends the genre he helped populate had come to. I hope he never sees Alex Cross, for he shall weep.

Alex Cross, the “reboot” of the series based on James Patterson‘s popular novels, is what happens when you take thirty of the most popular criminal procedure tropes, throw them in a blender, and hope for the best. Not knowing exactly what it wants to be — gritty crime movie, a sensitive meditation on crime, exploration of the evil men do, thoughtless action film, buddy cop romp, revenge flick — director Rob Cohen throws up his hands and declares, “gimme all of it!” The film is a glutton whose best parts completely undermine everything else it tries to do.

Alex Cross (Tyler Perry), the brilliant criminal profiler-cum-detective, finally has everything lining up for him. His wife (Carmen Ejogo) is pregnant with the couple’s third child, his crack crime-solving team comprised of wise-talking partner and life-long best friend Thomas Kane (Edward Burns) and superfluous eye candy Monica Ashe (Rachel Nichols) are cracking crimes with such regularity they find themselves heralded on the front page of newspapers, and his mother (Cicely Tyson) seems to be sassing him less. Oh, and he’s received a job offer from the FBI which bumps his pay 34% and gets him out of Detroit. Things simply could not get any better, which is why they must get much, much worse.

Enter Picasso. Well, “Picasso” (Matthew Fox), a hit man so brutal and ruthless, so crazy and competent, that it defies comprehension. He is “ex-military,” a fact Cross gleans by looking into Fox’s bugged out eyes which pop out of his skull nearly all the time. Picasso is an interesting man, to say the least. He’s a masterful murderer, setting up elaborate hits involving scuba dives through the center of posh high rises and computer hacking skills that would make your average Google employe fall out of his hammock. At each murder scene, he leaves a charcoal drawing — sometimes of his victim, sometimes of his feelings — that leaves some sort of back-page-of-MAD Magazine clue when you fold it together for seemingly no reason. If only he was accepted into U of the Arts, maybe he wouldn’t have shot off to the military junta and place Cross in this precarious mess.

Picasso is also a strict professional, taking $3 million for three contract killings that drive the film. Well, until Cross and Co. interrupt one of his hits, then it becomes personal for a bit before he returns to his professionalism which builds towards the big conclusion. Can Cross and Kane overcome personal tragedy to capture the man who ruined their lives, as some guy you don’t care about’s life hangs in the balance?

One of the film’s biggest problems is the complete dichotomy which is Picasso. The filmmakers aim for “enigma” but end up at “underdeveloped.” He carries a Louis Vuitton filled with evildoer gear, and drives a highly conspicuous Mercedes-Benz which transports him from a quaint boathouse off Lake Michigan to the literal door step of all his hits. This fancy man is also a lunatic, gleaned from Fox’s frantic movements, taught, almost reptilian body, and terse line delivery. But he can also get extremely crazy, making cameras shake around him, and forcing editors to throw together some awful pastiche of sound and images to show just how mixed up he is. You won’t like him when he’s angry…mostly because it hurts your eyes and ears.

What’s so frustrating about Alex Cross is how well some things come off in direct opposition to the rest of the film. It plays like The Beatles’ Revolver, if half the tracks were fart noises. The banter can be rigid (Picasso, “I’m fascinated by pain”) and hack (the only phrase a cop can say to another after something happens is “You okay?” and the only suitable response they learned in the academy is “…yeah, yeah”) but the chemistry between Tyler and Burns is solid. Here are two actors sitting in a car, just bullshitting with one another, and their long-standing relationship seems genuine. It’s genuinely fun to behold. Then they needlessly reference how old their friendship is (no one talks that much about kindergarten off the cuff) that it becomes a grating charade.

This is especially true when it’s set against some bits that should be suitably horrific. One woman is tortured by having each of her fingers cut up and placed into a bowl, and she just so happens to have a safe with a fingerprint reader. Cohen doesn’t have the sophistication to pull of this kind of tone, playing this perfect black comedy as a jovial game of pass the digit.

This polemic switch is indicative of the entire film, leaving us unsure if we should take it as dead serious (when Cross gives a heart-to-heart with his daughter) or as a light-hearted action comedy (nearly everything Burns does). When Cross gives pithy zingers, are we supposed to laugh at him or with him? And if this is a lighthearted affair, why is it that Giancarlo Esposito is the only one seemingly having fun in an all-too-short cameo appearance? Shouldn’t he have the same glazed look as Jean Reno, who’s primary focus is the check he’s about to cash? And if it’s an action film, why is the big, climactic fight between Picasso and Cross barely visible through a seizure-inducing bit of shaky cam work?

However, I do highly recommend this film if you’re into highly choreographed police block formation sequences. There is an absolute beauty right at the end of the second act, featuring long takes and masterful camera work, all timed down to the T. It was clearly Cohen’s favorite part of filming. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about Alex Cross, I don’t know what will.

Alex Cross hits theaters on October 19th.

Grade: C-

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