“This Stretch is Going to Be One Killer.”

“Stretch… Until Your Hate Is Avenged.”

“Make Them Feel The Pain of Every Stretch.”

Oh, sorry! I was sitting here, on this warm Thursday night, trying to think of some plausible taglines for Breck Eisner‘s Stretch Armstrong. You may recall when, last week, the Crazies director had been tapped by Relativity to give their toy-based project a little bit of fresh juice, a much-needed action after some incarnations (such as Taylor Lautner‘s) fell apart because really.

Stupid, no doubt, but there was a chance, just the smallest, that Armstrong could embrace its own unnecessary nature and be some absurdist comedy about a man capable of stretching his own body to incredible lengths for whatever purpose. (The dirty jokes write themselves.)

Not the case, as a press release says Relativity and Eisner are moving forward with a “gritty actioner.” No, really. You can even read about it below:

“This original story will be a gritty actioner introducing the character of Lucas Armstrong and the life-or-death consequences he will face after undergoing a transformation granting him superhuman abilities.”

(“Gritty,” because the transformation only came after his pregnant wife was killed by a gang of blood-thirsty thugs*.)

The director has partnered with writer Dean Georgaris (2004′s The Manchurian Candidate), hoping to create what he considers “a world that is both fresh and exhilarating,” as well as the chance to “build a hero from the ground up.” And it’s going to be gritty, bro.

What else am I supposed to say about this shit?

*This is probably not the case